Radio, Radio

As I failed to charge my beloved Nano sufficiently last night, it died midway through the workday. Since our CD at the shop is jacked to hell, Mom and I were forced to listen to the radio.

Several things-

1. My God, how much does Nickelback suck? NOT EVERY LINE HAS TO RHYME!!!

2. I love 'Violet Hill' by Coldplay. So sue me, I'm a sucker for strings.

3. Whoever covered 'I'm A Believer' recently ought to be first up against the wall when the revolution comes.

4. Also, whoever wrote 'So What' by Pink is a friggin' musical genius. BURNS. INTO. YOUR. BRAIN.

5. Jesus H. Christ, Richard Marx is on now. Right, am going home.

Sometimes,

people make me very, very stabby.

Yesterday, these two old battle axes came into the shop. They proceeded to-

1. Find every item that the price had fallen off of, and ask "HOW MUCH IS THIS?" Yes, they shouted.

2. Wanted to look at merchandise high up in a display, necessitating me getting out the step ladder.

Then they failed to buy said merchandise.

3. Used the bathroom. Plugged the stool.

Didn't purchase anything.

GRRRRR...

Grrr

I hate spiders. I HATE them. And since I live in the country, there are huge amounts of them creeping around this season.

*shudders*

I know, I know- necessary to the food chain, blah blah blah. Don't care. I want them to GO AWAY.

So, last night I set off a "bug bomb" that claimed to kill creepy crawlies for up to a month after use. Operative word here- "claimed."

And again, I know, I know- chemicals bad. But so is my having heart failure when a junior-sized tarantula runs across my foot. (I may be exaggerating a tad here)

What did I just finish doing? Killing a fucking spider. Those lying bastards at Raid have some explaining to do.

Grrr.

Edit- it's two hours later, and what did I just see? My freaking cat chasing a damn spider across the floor. *shakes fist at Raid quality control engineers*

Yeek

My poor Noel. That looks like it really freaking hurt!

And way to throw a punch after the security (actually) did their jobs, Our Kid.

Yet that seems to have been what happened at the V festival in Toronto last night, when a stage-invader knocked him over. As the video above shows (from 1:30 onwards), the fan came running from the opposite side of the stage to Gallagher during Morning Glory, sneaking behind singer Liam Gallagher before pushing Noel to the ground.

The concert had to be stopped, although the band – who often refuse to play on after such incidents – returned to play a further six songs. According to Oasisnet.com, Noel was admitted to hospital after the show to be examined for a suspected fractured rib and ligament damage.

Today in "unintended consequences"

At Iowa's Coolest Flower Shop, my girl, J, and I have been after my mom (our boss) for months to buy us a new glue pan- used for silk floral arrangements and other craftiness.

Our old one was on its last legs (literally) and took AGES to heat up to a somewhat acceptable temperature. Mom finally caved last week and bought a new one. YAY! Joyous shouts rang out throughout the land! Choirs of angels sang! All that!

So.....

Today I was creating a silk fall wreath, a veritable seasonal masterpiece of harmonious colors and pleasing shapes- designed to put one in the most "fall"-est of moods, when-

1. The phone rang

2. I was momentarily distracted. Unfortunately, this was directly after I dipped a silk leaf in the hot glue

3. Because of the distraction, I dripped some of the F*CKING HOT GLUE on my finger

4. Words, most of them obscene, others invoking various deities, nearly escaped my mouth

5. Ran to sink, ran cold water on burn

6. Then had to peel cool glue off really F*CKING BURNED SKIN. Which, as you may guess, DOES NOT FEEL PLEASANT

I now have a humdinger of a 2nd degree burn on my finger.

What really twists me is this- if we wouldn't have whined and complained as badly as we (read- I) did, I would have been using the old glue pan which didn't heat well, and I wouldn't HAVE A REALLY NASTY BURN ON MY FINGER. F*CK!

Grrrr....

Crap like this

make me want to stab myself in the eye.

There is so much dumb in this article entitled, "Why He Won't Propose," I don't even know where to start.

Figure out if your life plans are on the same track by casually mentioning your own future goals, whether it is to own a business, buy a house, or have a baby.

Darling, if you think you're ready to get married, and haven't yet talked about plans for the future, you've more problems than someone who just dropped a match in a gunpowder plant.

Finally, if you know that you are ready for the next step in your relationship, but you still haven't seen any bling, you might want to consider summoning up your bravery and popping the question yourself!

I'm sorry, but I just threw up a little. Jesus Christ, if you're not on the same page after being together long enough to consider making it legal, isn't that a screaming red warning sign to "ABANDON SHIP?"

And women proposing to men? YE GODS. Sounds suspiciously hippie to me. They probably came up with that concept in between inventing sex and smoking up.

Also, isn't "bling" about 3 years ago?

Grr....

Nearly a perfect evening

Last night, Dad called and asked if I wanted to accompany him to a local dive tavern, where there would be much food-based goodness. Oh, and booze. Naturally, I responded in the affirmative.

Once there, we ate a lovely meal of beer-can chicken, fried cucumbers with a spicy crust (yummy), authentic Jardiniere from Chicago and pepper bacon-wrapped asparagus. Utterly delicious.

Then, I became very pissed off/uncomfortable.

One of the patrons looked about the bar, and said, "I've got a joke, and since we're all white here..."

I was like, "Fuck. Nothing good has EVER followed that."

Dude proceeded to tell a VERY offensive joke. Dad shifted uncomfortably. I put on my bitch shoes and informed the "joker" that it wasn't funny. Because it wasn't, and since the teller of the offensive joke-

a- assumed that since we were all of Caucasian extraction, we'd be totally okay with his racist asshattery and that we were just as predjudiced as him
b-had a Skynrd tat on his arm

It just made even more angry, because not only am I not racist in the slightest, I love the Skynrd.

I didn't feel in the wrong for telling him that he was being a pig. Because he was. And it just pissed me off, because it was a great evening. Really quite fun. And now there's a nasty bit associated with it. Damn it. Because the food was That Good.

At times like these,

I think, "Gee, wouldn't it be nice if the majority of the Iowa National Guard was in, you know, IOWA, instead of fucking Iraq?

Washburn, near Waterloo, evacuated after levee breaks

Columbus Junction residents wait, and worry

Flooding Cedar River damages hundreds of homes Charles City

Officials: Flood of 2008 to be worse than Flood of '93

Also, we've just gotten the news that Highway 61 will be closed north of Wapello as of tomorrow night. River is too high- can't guarantee the bridge will hold.


Annnnd, I just got off the phone with my dad. They're evacuating the Iowa/Mississippi river bottoms. He and my uncles are helping some elderly friends move to higher ground.


This is the problem they're dealing with- between Hwy. 99 and the Iowa River in Louisa County, and Hwy. 99 and the Mississippi River in Des Moines county- the land between is all reclaimed from the river some 100 years ago (the rivers join up at New Boston).


Yes, how Dutch of my forefathers. The farming ground is incredibly fertile, but really, really, really farcking vulnerable to flooding.

Again, when it flooded so badly in 1993, the National Guard was down on the bottoms, sandbagging. But not now. We're on our own.


Isn't this a lovely little war?

GOD

DAMMIT, Peter.

Babyshambles frontman Pete Doherty has been jailed for 14 weeks for failing to turn up to probation hearings on time and drug use. Doherty attended West London Magistrates Court today (April 8), where Judge Davinder Lachar handed the singer/guitarist the sentence. A spokesperson for the court said that Doherty had been jailed for "breach of time keeping, non-compliance of his order and using different drugs". Doherty had been given a suspended jail sentence for possession of drugs and driving illegally in October last year. His supervision order required him to make regular visits to court for progress reports, as well as take part in a drug rehabilitation programme. He was threatened with up to four months in jail if he broke the law during this period

Listen, Petey, I couldn't bring myself to listen to either 'Shotter's Nation' or 'The Blinding' EP today, that's how pissed off I am. Much like brushing my teeth or texting Kaz, this is something that I do every day.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME HAPPY.

Seriously, darlin', get it together. And so help me God, if there are fewer pictures of your rhythm section floating around the Internet because your arse is in jail, well... I won't do anything, but I'll be REALLY PISSED. AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY.

Bah freaking humbug

The holidays? Bring out the stupid in people. As I'm so, so, so very tired from making millions of centerpieces and delivering them all over bumfuck Egypt today, here's a sequence of events.

-Woman comes into store last week and orders a very complicated centerpiece to be picked up this AM. You don't get complicated for 30 bucks, which is what she wanted it for.

Centerpieces are very time consuming, so the labor eats up a lot of value that could be applied to the flowers. You pay 50 bucks, now then you can be picky.

-Woman is slightly snooty. 30 bucks and snooty. Get down with your bad self.

-This AM, woman walks in and wants her centerpiece. Which isn't done. Or even started. (it's been slightly wild this week).

-Mom tells her we will deliver her masterpiece for free to a neighboring town.

-Woman is mollified, tells Mom that someone will be home all day.

-Fast forward a few hours. I'm driving around, trying to find the fucking house for delivery in London-esque fog.

-Okay, and listening to Babyshambles and Wee The View Lads at top volume.

-Alright, and texting Kaz. But for serious, I was actually paying attention to where I was going.

- I find the house. Knock on the door, carrying the most beautiful 30-dollar centerpiece EVER CREATED.

-No one is fucking home.

-Try to keep extremely friendly Lab from knocking me to the ice-covered ground.

-Really wish I didn't have on slippery, but cute shoes.

-Pound on the door. Can hear TV inside.

-Ring doorbell again. It's really fucking cold, and I have another 3 places to get to, and it's starting to get really farcking foggy.

-Check door. Is open. Leave centerpiece (in a protective pink bag- keeps flowers from dying) on stairs.

-Leave house.

-Get back to shop an hour later.

-Snooty woman calls and gives me the 5th (or whatever is the worst) degree about why her centerpiece hasn't been delivered. I'm like, "Au contraire. I did deliver it." She then asks me all sorts of details about the house I delivered it to, and I'm thinking, "Bitch, please! Do you know how many deliveries I did this afternoon?" (I turn into Snoop when confronted with stupid people)

-She asks her father if he's seen anything in a pink bag. He had. AND HE THREW IT AWAY. Now, you have to be a particular kind of idiot to throw something like that away. It was obviously, obviously flowers. The card was on the outside. It smelled good.

-Woman wanted us to deliver another one tonight. For free. Got snooty with Mom when she said that wasn't our responsibility. Mom refused to budge. Hanging up may have occurred.

-May I point out that on the way home an hour later, I drove 35 MPH because the fog was so bad. So I was supposed to risk my life for thirty fucking bucks because her father is a blooming moron. Yeah, that's about right.

I hate people sometimes. Merry Effing Christmas.

I need a nap

Why?

1. Bloody ice storm is raging outside
2. My hands ache from making so many Christmas wreaths this week
3. I slid on glitter at the shop, and jacked up my knee. How new rave....

and in the last half hour, I have-

4. Splashed hot sauce in my eye

and the piece de resistance-

5. Disposed of a dead mouse. Unfortunately, the dead rodent was discovered by my 15 month-old niece, who picked it up. Her mom did not, repeat, NOT, handle this well. Can't blame her.

Ahhhhh, sweet lady sofa.

What Winona said

What I Wish the Universal Reaction to This Photo of 18-Year-Old Hayden Panettiere in GQ Magazine Would Be:

"Wow, that's fucked up."

My day

7AM- cat wakes me up, wanting to be petted

7:01- cat is pitched gently from the bed

7:20- Give up on returning to sleep, go turn on computer

8:40- Realize, SHIT, have to leave for work in 10 minutes, and am still in pajamas

9:00- Arrive at work. In actual clothes. Start assessing all that needs to be done before open houses this weekend

9:10- Consider throwing store stereo onto highway for the first time today

9:13- Catch glance of self in mirror, scream

9:15- As to avoid frightening customers, apply makeup

9:17- Ahhhh, sweet lady caffeine

9:18- Stone. Cold. Panic. Realize that not only is Mom AWOL from the shop till next Wednesday, that my brother and his family are also arriving at the house that day, and that Thursday is FUCKING THANKSGIVING. AND I AM THE SOLE COOK. AND THAT WE HAVE NO GROCERIES IN THE HOUSE. AND I AM ON OVERTIME AS OF FRIDAY, THEREFORE HAVE NO TIME TO SHOP.

9:19- Breathe into paper bag

9:21- To assist in regaining my sanity, gaze at a picture of Drew McConnell. He's so lovely.

9:25- My ever-so-cheerful father arrives at the shop and asks me why we weren't working on the funeral work we have. I replied that the visitation was tomorrow. He says that no, it was today. The casket spray is in shades of purple. WE HAVE NO, REPEAT, NO PURPLE FLOWERS IN THE COOLER. BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING FALL!!!!

9:26- Breathe into paper bag while on phone to funeral home director.

9:27- Thank fuck, it IS tomorrow. Thanks, Dad. JAYSUS.

10:01- Deal with first stupid ad rep of the day

11:00- Ah, things are going smoothly. My coworker, Denise is so calm and reasonable. Shit, here comes Dad again. Doesn't he have a job?

11:01- Dad informs me that his sleep-deprived wife is freaking out about not being here for the open houses, and is intending to drive back from my sis's house today, and go back up on Monday.

11:02- On phone to Mom, paper bag handy. Convince her that we have the situ handled. Successfully.

11:15- proofread ad for regional paper. Which was apparently designed by a blind and illiterate person.

12:03PM- Goody. Here's Dad again. What is he going to say that makes me flip my shit this time?

12:04- MOM IS IN HER CAR ON HER WAY BACK RIGHT NOW? WTF???????

12:05- Denise hands me the picture of Drew*

12:06- On phone to Mom. It's hard to carry on a convo while breathing into a paper bag.

12:07- Direct quote from my mother- "Your father is on crack. I'm staying here."

12:08- Consider beating my father to death with a can of leaf shine

Basically, I averaged 2 minutes of blind, shit-shocked horror and panic an hour FOR 8 HOURS TODAY.

I need a nap.

*yeah, that didn't really happen, but it would have been awesome, right? She would have if I'd asked. This is the woman who when I was dealing with a similar panic-inducing day, went over to the cooler, got out one of our sample bottles of wine, and poured me a coffee cup full of calm. Well, calmer.

Freaking spectacular

Great. My team lost to a I-AA school. A I-AA school that two of my siblings graduated from. Fucking wonderful. I'm not answering my damn phone tomorrow.

AMES, Iowa (AP) -- Eric Sanders passed for two touchdowns and ran for another and Northern Iowa kept Iowa State winless under new coach Gene Chizik with a 24-13 victory Saturday night.

Northern Iowa (2-0), a member of the Football Championship Subdivision, looked much stronger and sharper than its Big 12 opponent, which coughed up four turnovers and rarely established any consistency on offense.

And while the outcome won't rock the nation in the manner of Appalachian State's upset of Michigan, it was still satisfying for the Panthers, who ended a five-game losing streak to Iowa State (0-2) in front of the largest crowd ever at ISU, 56,795.

I did NOT need to see this first thing in the AM

What. The. HELL?

Lily Allen has been banned from the US after being stopped at Los Angeles airport.The singer had her US visa cancelled after being held at an American airport, locked in a cell and strip-searched, reports The Mirror."I am trying everything I can to sort this out. I don't like letting my fans down," explained Allen. "It is my intention to play my American dates in September. This depends on authorities granting me a new work visa."

She added: "I want my fans to know that I will do everything I can to be back in America in September. I don't like letting my fans down and this is a situation that I am sure we can sort."She was challenged by US custom and immigration officers at Los Angeles international airport on Sunday (August 5).

My ongoing problem with US customs officials continues unabated.

WE CAN LET WAR CRIMINALS MOVE FREELY ABOUT THE COUNTRY (well, we do seem to produce a lot of them) BUT LITTLE TINY BRIT POP STARS LIKE LILS AND WEE THE VIEW LADS ARE DETRIMENTAL TO OUR WAY OF LIFE?

Give me a fucking break. Grrrrrr.......

update- Never mind. Damn you, NME. I'm still pissed about The View, though.

The rich aren't like you and me

Unlike we serfs, they can commit motherfucking perjury in a federal court and have their sentence commuted by our so-lame-as-to-be-circling-the-drain-duck President.

WASHINGTON - President Bush spared former White House aide I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby from a 2 1/2-year prison term on Monday, issuing an order that commutes his sentence.

It's not like it wasn't expected, but I need a drink, STAT, all the same.

Shit.

This is a low

I blame Kazza.*

She's the one that started me on my current Blur kick, most likely by accident.

Though I think this may be retribution for getting us started on our mutal lusting for Thomas and Sergio....

For the love of God, I'm an Oasis fan! How can I suddenly fall for the many charms of Damon Albarn?

The winking, the mugging for the camera... Oh, God. This is not good when I consider those positives.....

I've resisted for a really long time, and what put me over the edge? The picture of Damon dressed as Debbie Harry in Blondie circa the early '80s.

First of all, I'd kill for those shoes. And the legs.... Dammit, KAZ! You did this on purpose!

You're making me question whether I picked the right team in the battle of Britpop! I mean, Dave was totally acceptable looking and has the right politics, and I love a delightfully dorky Graham and pretty, pretty Alex.....guh.

You couldn't have said that about Guigsy, Bonehead, Tony or Whitey. Or even my beloved Noel pre-2002 (getting his teeth fixed and growing his hair out= very good things. Yay Sarah, well done!)

And they never would have done a video that referenced 'A Clockwork Orange,' because the concept would have taken too long to explain to Our Kid.

Crap, I'm going to have to re-evaluate my whole existence now. I fucking hate that.

*it's also entirely possible that I've finally watched 'Dress To Kill' one too many times.

What kind of fuckery is this?

Ooooo, the nasty-ass visa persons strike again. For GOD'S sake, what harm is the Freaky Dancer from the Mondays going to do? Have a maraca fly out of his hand and bean someone? Oh, but we're SAFER now. Whatevs.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRR......

Bez has been barred entry to America and will not be allowed to play with Happy Mondays in California this weekend, it has been announced.

The famed dancer with the Madchester icons was scheduled to appear at the Coachella Festival on Sunday but has not been granted a visa.

I did find this hilarious, though-

The band released a statement today, commenting: "Due to tightening immigration and working visa legislation, Bez was not, unfortunately, able to secure a visa to perform at Coachella this weekend.

"Happy Mondays apologies to all their US fans that they will not, on this occasion, be able to enjoy the spectacle of Bez shaking his stuff for them at Coachella."

For Christ's Sake

Facing pressure from their fellow students plus city and university officials, the University of Iowa College Republicans on Wednesday canceled a planned game in an Iowa City park that would focus on the illegal immigration issue.

***
The game, similar to Capture the Flag, would pit two teams representing illegal immigrants and the U.S. Border Patrol competing to cross a dividing line representing the U.S.-Mexico border. The "illegal immigrants" caught crossing the line by the "border patrol" team would then be sent to "jail."

The first announcement of the game, planned as part of a weeklong "coming out" by the College Republicans, generated protests.

***
Other events for "Conservative Coming Out Week" will honor former Presidents Herbert Hoover and Ronald Reagan. A Support Our Troops Barbecue will demonstrate backing for President Bush.

Thoughts?

1.It's been done. The asshat College Repubs at NYU tried this earlier this year. If you're going to be jackasses, be ORIGINAL jackasses.

2. College Republicans at Iowa? How many is that? 10 people?

3. "Conservative Coming Out Week." They might want to rephrase that.

4. THEY'RE HONORING HERBERT FUCKING HOOVER?

Are they shitting me? Come the fuck on! I know that we Iowegians don't have many internationally recognizable politico-type people to choose from, but again, they might want to reconsider this one.

Two words- Great Depression.

Why not honor John Wayne? They could get their wank on over the Duke. More so than with Herbert. Because Marion was so manly and all.

5. You know how they could truly support our troops? BY MOTHERFUCKING ENLISTING.

Today's entry

in the "No Shit, Sherlock" category. Teenagers? Having the S-E-X? Who knew? And how much did this fucking study (literally) cost taxpayers? Jesus.

WASHINGTON - Students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not, according to a study ordered by Congress.