Tee hee

A song about handjobs on the critical 3rd album. God, I love young Master Turner.

On an unrelated note, am completely disturbed that not only does Cookie now have a beard, he's no longer as darlin' as he used to be.

There are many avenues open to Turner, but perhaps the one you would least expect him to take is to start writing songs about his penis. And yet, here he is, opening Humbug with My Propeller, on which he spends three and a half minutes using a string of aviation metaphors in what appears to be a protracted attempt to convince someone to – and let's not be needlessly bashful here – wank him off. "I can't get it started on my own," he leers. "'Ave a spin of my propeller."

OhPleaseOhPleaseOhPlease

As Girls Aloud get their breaths back after scooping a much-deserved Brit Award, a mole in the girls’ camp tells me that American domination is next on their “to do” list.

After signing a three-album deal with record label Fascination - which will land the girls a pay rise - record company bosses are priming Cheryl Cole, 25, Nadine Coyle, 23, and co for a stateside assault.

“Cheryl is opening lots of doors for us and The Promise is doing really well in US nightclubs,” my source told me, adding that it’s now down to Cheryl to persuade the rest of the girls that 2010 is the year for the band’s global domination.

Cue the sound

of a million fangirls squeeing in 3...2...1....

If you want the really random gossip though, just ask The Mighty Boosh comedian Noel Fielding.

After beating the likes of Gavin and Stacey to Best TV, he explained his experiences over dinner.

"I'm sitting next to Brandon from The Killers so that's quite fun," he said.

"We keep making silly remarks like schoolboys, like we're 13 and laughing. And Pete Doherty just bit my ear really hard for a photo.

We don't know each other that well and we had to be intertwined, and it all got a bit steamy and he bit my ear - Mike Tyson style! Insane."

Oh, WELL-DONE

Co-headlining a gig with Etta "freaking" James? BABY GIRL!

Adele has announced the dates of a US tour, which kicks off in March.The singer, who won two Grammy Awards earlier this month including best new artist, will kick off the jaunt in San Diego on March 9.

She'll play dates in Arizona, Austin, Houston and Cleveland, making a special stop in New York on May 5 where she'll celebrate her 21st birthday with a headlining show at Roseland Ballroom.

She's also set to co-headline a show at the Hollywood Bowl with her "idol", Etta James, on June 28.

Impossible

There is no freaking way that the Obama girls could be any cuter.

Okay, MAYBE if they carried baby pandas or baskets of kittens with them constantly, but I'm not sure about that.

Hi-larious

My family gathered this weekend to "clean up" the timber (forest on our land) for deer hunting season, which begins in December. Since half of us are pinko Commies and the other started-shitting-themselves-on-September-11-2001-and-have-yet-to-stop-Republicans, well... just say we Trotskyites were really, really, REALLY looking forward to this weekend.

Several things-

1. The aforementioned Repubs walked into the dining room wearing t-shirts saying "Palin 2012." I don't know what reaction they were expecting, but I don't think it was hysterical laughter.

2. One of my cousins (insane) was spouting the party line about how Obama was going to take everyone's guns away. One of my other cousins (non-insane) told him,

"If at the end of Obama's second term, gun ownership is illegal, I WILL GIVE YOU A THOUSAND BUCKS."

THIS.

Cousin Bill for the win.

HELLS YES

Mom and I openly wept during our new President's speech. And when I say openly, I mean freely and with lots of Kleenex.

And this family.

THIS FAMILY.

Awesome

Jim Bowman, a Tuskegee Airman from World War II, is also 86. He voted early, almost a month ago, he was so eager to vote for Obama.

“I haven’t cried in a long time,” he said, “but just thinking about it brings me to tears.”

Bowman had a father who told him he was going to college, and that was that. It was pay as you go, but he made it through and eventually became a war hero and, as Dr. James Bowman, became the assistant superintendent of the Des Moines Public School system.

“To see this happen,” he said, “is one of the greatest blessings I’ve had. I don’t take lightly the progress we’ve made in this country. I’m thrilled with it. But there are barriers still. I hear people say they just don’t think they could ever vote for a black man — for some offices, maybe, but not this one. Well, I can’t help thinking the good Lord is working overtime on some folks.”

Awwwwwwwwww

Our next president (please, Jesus) takes wee Sasha trick-or-treating.

And for more SQUUUEEEES,

Awwwww

My ovaries. They just twinged.

The idealism on these kiddos faces. Oh my. SO AWESOME.

WANT.

I MUST OWN THIS T-SHIRT.

That is all.

Brilliant

via everywhere

*sighs*

Love Young Master Turner and Young Miles.

Turner and Kane played four covers in the set, the first of which was The Beatles' 'I Want You (She's So Heavy)' from the 1969 'Abbey Road' album, to the delight of the Liverpool crowd.

Holy hell

That's a whole lot of tickets to move in one day. FOR ONE ACT.

Oasis have since added third nights in Manchester (June 4) and London (July 9) at the same venues.With tickets going on sale at 10am(BST) this morning (October 24), the band had sold half a million tickets by 3pm. Oasis co-promoter Chris York of SJM Concerts speculated that "this has to be the most tickets ever sold by an artist in the UK in one day".

Please, Jesus

let this happen...

Noel Fielding and Julian Barratt, aka Vince Noir and Howard Moon, are sat backstage at Brixton Academy surrounded by gifts from fans, Pot Noodles and sweets.

They've just begun a massive three-month tour round England, Scotland and Wales but they're already thinking about the next step.

The duo say breaking the States is definitely high on their list.

*smiles*

If a flower could be a Panda,

it would be a "Pink Mink" Protea. Cuddly, soft, fuzzy and adorable.

I'm in love.

Hilarious

Actual quote in Q from Noel Thomas David Gallagher-

"It was genius," he says of Jay-Z's response. "It had turned into a moral issue, like I was some kind of musical racist. But I actually like Jay-Z. Look, his profile went through the roof, Wonderwall went back in the charts, everyone's a fucking winner."

Speaking of Burt,

Baby girl Adele will be performing with him at the Electric Proms on Wednesday.

Legendary American songwriter and performer Burt Bacharach opens this year's BBC Electric Proms at the Roundhouse in London. He performs with the BBC Concert Orchestra accompanied by guest vocalists, Adele, Beth Rowley and Jamie Cullum. Burt's unparalleled six-decade career has defined romantic song with cherished hits such as Walk On By, The Look of Love, and I Say A Little Prayer.

Rock on,

Burt Bacharach...

"I was never political, not until George W got in office and the way the election was stolen from Al Gore. I've got these two young kids and I'm worried about the world they're growing up in. I'm scared to death now. I wish that England and France and Germany and Italy could vote. I want Obama to win so badly. I don't understand what's going on with Palin who is against abortion; against abortion on incest, against abortion on rape. I just can't understand how you could feel that way."

And he's so right- Aretha Franklin's take on 'Say A Little Prayer' is far superior to Dionne Warwick's (which is brilliant).