Things that frighten me for $1000, Alex

At work, Mom has started putting my iPod on the Weller/Style Council/Jam playlist. A LOT.

Things I could do without

Receiving emails from my mother that include "GOP" and "Teabagging" in the title line.

(And yes, she knows what THAT means)

You try to raise your parents up right....

Does anyone else have conversations like these with their mother?

Working closely with ones parent... not exactly an ideal job situ. But you know, I'm pretty lucky. Mom and I get along very well, actually like gangbusters.

It's not always perfect- I'm a bit morose occasionally, she can be overly ADHD around holidays. But we generally work very companionably together.

Our conversations do tend to be, um, ATYPICAL for a mother and daughter.

For example, take today. We discussed-

1. How the hell People magazine could have overlooked the cast of 'Skins' in the photo spread on the hottest whippersnappers under 25 in the annual 'Sexiest Man Alive' issue.

2. Who would we rather hang out with- R. Kelly or Prince. We decided (if in a controlled environment), definitely R. Kelly. He may be an abhorrent human being, but we think Prince might be a bit of a prick.

Seriously, it's completely hilarious.

The old man and the beer

Last weekend, my girl Stace was in town and we went out for drinkies and dinner. After a lovely meal, we adjourned to the bar in the local restaurant, where we proceeded to chat for hours.

Then, we got company.

Now, Stace and I are not unattractive young women in our early 30s, well dressed, have all our original teeth, etc... so we attracted a fair amount of attention from the codger contingent propping up the bar.

I don't mind, since said oldies generally buy drinks for cute girls, and hey, it's free alcohol. I don't care what this says about my personality. FREE DRINKS. And they usually leave you alone. Win/win situ, y'all.

Anyway, my point.

The waitress brought us over a Bud Light draw (me) and vodka tonic (Stace) and pointed to the guy that purchased them for us. Then he came over, pulled up a chair, and attempted to hit on us. We were not 'aving it. The free drinks, yes. The aging-more-rapidly-than-he-thinks farmer? Nyet.

My parents were young when they got married (18) and had me (20), so anyone 10 years older than me... getting uncomfortably close to the ages of the parentals. And this dude graduated 2 years after my mom.

Whenever I'm confronted with this situation I simply start talking about my dad and my uncles. A lot. (we're pretty well known around here).

Sends out the signal- "Dude, you're slightly younger than my freaking DAD. ICKY."

Works like a charm.

Hi-larious

My family gathered this weekend to "clean up" the timber (forest on our land) for deer hunting season, which begins in December. Since half of us are pinko Commies and the other started-shitting-themselves-on-September-11-2001-and-have-yet-to-stop-Republicans, well... just say we Trotskyites were really, really, REALLY looking forward to this weekend.

Several things-

1. The aforementioned Repubs walked into the dining room wearing t-shirts saying "Palin 2012." I don't know what reaction they were expecting, but I don't think it was hysterical laughter.

2. One of my cousins (insane) was spouting the party line about how Obama was going to take everyone's guns away. One of my other cousins (non-insane) told him,

"If at the end of Obama's second term, gun ownership is illegal, I WILL GIVE YOU A THOUSAND BUCKS."

THIS.

Cousin Bill for the win.

oo7

Among all characters in film, I most associate James Bond with my childhood. Nearly every other weekend, the other kids and I would sit around the teevee with Dad, and watch at least one Bond flick.

(And usually a Mel Brooks production, but we're not discussing my love for 'Blazing Saddles' here at this very moment, so stay on topic, eh?)

I remember giggling with my cousins about 'Octopussy' and various other (bad) double entendres in the films. Oh, and 'Jaws' the henchman. He kicked all sorts of ass.

In more recent years, my mom*, sister and I have grown closer because of 'Casino Royale' and our shared Thing for Daniel Craig.

We do love a bit of Northern rough. See Bean, Sean.

So this discussion of the best Bond theme songs was quite interesting to me. I personally am a Bassey purist** (as are the Arctic Monkeys), but one of my favs is 'You Know My Name' by Chris Cornell for the aforementioned 'Casino Royale.' It's stirring, sexy and vaguely dangerous-sounding.

Perfect for James.

*my mother*** may have a picture of Daniel in his blue swim trunks hanging in her office. My dad pretends not to notice.

**mostly due to my high school choir director's influence. We sang A LOT of Bassey tunes. Yes, the thought of corn-fed Iowa girls belting out 'Big Spender' is fucking hilarious, why do you ask?

***When Jeffery Wright appeared onscreen in 'Casino Royale,' my mom breathed, "HELLO, FELIX." Her older brother, my uncle Don, had all the Ian Fleming novels...

Regarding

my new obsession with Protea, my mom commented-

I'm a little worried about your attraction to protea...although if it were antherium...florist joke..

This is an Antherium, generally referred to in Iowa's Coolest Flower Shop as "little boy flowers."











Yes, I crack peen jokes with my mom. Isn't life grand?



(it really is)

His name is Earl

The parentals new kitteh, Earl.

(Dad wanted to name him Deuce, but Mom and I said "Nay nay Pompeii.")

He's a sweetheart, but Holden, the world's most pampered Persian, DOES NOT WANT.

My GOD

My mom just forwarded me an email containing an alarming, ALARMING image of Barack Obama carrying a book by Fareed Zakaria entitled 'The Post-American World.' Containing the phrases-

"...now that Ramadan is over"

"I really hope the american* people see this."

"...is reading 'The Post-American World'--it's a Muslim's view."

First of all, anyone who would get worked up over something by Zakaria is obviously crazy. You couldn't get more middle-of-the-road. The book is a discussion not so much of the decline of the American empire, but the rise of China, Brazil, Russia et al.

Secondly, who did she get this from? Most of our family and friends are dirty hippies like ourselves, except for...

Ah HELL, Uncle Steve... you've an education. How could you possibly buy into this? Other than you started pissing yourself when Clinton got elected, and haven't stopped since? (the shitting himself commenced on 9-11-01)

*not my mistake. Was not capitalized. The writer obviously HATES AMERICA.

Random

Fatboy blogging.

Yes, Holden, the world's most spoiled Persian, drinks from the sink. Thanks for teaching him how to do that, Dad!

*grumbles*

"Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like cherry cola"

Went to a local watering hole with the parentals tonight. Had some drinkies and a lovely whole-wheat crust pizza. Supreme, darlings.

A large and rowdy crowd entered the bar, and proceeded to raise the volume level by several notches. A couple began to noisily make out.

Dad looks over and comments, "That guy has his hand down that girl's pants."

I look over. "Dad, that ain't a guy."

My parents looked nonplussed, then slightly wigged out, then cool with it.

I was proud of them. As you are.

Things that amuse me

Political division...

1. Just listened to my cement-truck driver father fanboy over Rachel Maddow for a good three minutes. "She's a full-fledged liberal and a smartass. Good combination."

2. Had my iPod on shuffle yesterday at work. One of my co-workers (who is very conservative) was absolutely boogeying to 'Imperial Bodybags' by the Manics.

I had a hard time not giggling.

Oh joy

The whole family is descending upon the house this weekend, minus my brother-in-law, who had to work.

While I'm excited to see my nieces and nephew, I'm less excited to see my brothers simply because we do NOT agree politically AT ALL. (They're of the oppressed white man persuasion).

And there's absolutely nothing happening on the political front this week.

*cough*

My sis (who is a dirty hippie like myself) and I have decided that we're just going to laugh at them. We can't change their minds, so we're going to make fun of them.

"Gee, ______! You're a college-educated, straight white male. However HAVE you succeeded in the corporate world with the man keeping you down and all?"

We're guessing we're going to be stabby by Saturday night.

I don't know whether to be alarmed or proud

Tonight, my mother and I were discussing the whole St. John McCain not knowing how much real estate he owned thing. I made some remark like "Oh yeah, he's a real man of the people."

Mom replied, "Who'd want to be a man of the people when there's people like him?"

She made an Arctic Monkeys reference.

Again, alarmed? Proud?

How about alarmoud?

Not good

One of my adorable, intelligent and awesome nieces, Wee O- aged 2, has recently started putting herself in "time out" when she becomes overly excited.

Seriously.

She gets all worked up, says "out, out," and goes and sits in the hallway for a bit. When she's calmed down, she takes herself out.

She's 2. That's scary smart. Of course, her mommy is a smarty and her daddy is a surgeon, so it's par for the course.

My point?

Today, I was grumpy and easily irritated- nothing was going right, I was screwing shit up left and right, the state of the world was freaking pissing me off... we've all had those days.

So, when it became obvious that we weren't going to be extraordinarily busy, I buggered off work an hour early and went home and took a nap.

Essentially, I put myself in "time out."

Am operating on same level as toddler niece. Oh dear.

One of

my sweet little nieces arms.

That's some Grade A chub there.

Why yes, I am the world's most indulgent aunt, why do you ask?

Nom nom nom.

Today in "embarassing"

Slow day at the shop today, and everyone else had gone home, leaving me to close up. Upon hearing a prime bit of gossip from a customer, I called my mom to tell her said bit of gossip.

My cell phone did one of those things where it doesn't ring, but the other person picks up, thus startling you when you hear a voice on the other end...

Did that make sense? Whatever.

When I'm by myself at the shop, I tend to listen to music that I'd not put on if there were other people around. Things that, shall we say, are in-tune-challenged.

Unfortunately for me in this case, Mom was treated to my vocal stylings on 'Horrorshow' by The Libs.

Specifically, the "I'm following your mind's instructions, on how to slowly, sharply screw myself to death" part.

She may actually still be giggling about this.

This week in "completely unsettling"

Last weekend, nearly my entire family gathered together to celebrate my niece's birthday. Sitting on the deck at my sister's house, my dad regaled my brother and brother-in-law with stories from the flood.

About an hour before the levee broke, my uncle (who was somewhat in charge of prevention efforts), pulled Dad off the end loader he was running, telling him they had to "go check something out up at the river."

Dad called Mom quickly to tell her what was going on, and that he loved her.

Together with my other uncle and my cousin, they hopped on ATVs and drove the half-mile to the levee, where as feared, "dirty boils" were popping up all over. (weak spots where water and dirt were flowing through).

They knew it was over when they spotted them.

At that point, they signaled for the entire sandbagging operation to get the hell out of dodge. Fifteen minutes later, the levee broke.

Why did Dad call my mom before getting on the four-wheeler?

They didn't have enough time to grab life jackets.

If the levee would have broken when they were by it... well, let's just say that I could have lost four family members.

Signs that you might

want to work on your being-a-welcome-guest technique....

when you leave your host's home, the immediate reaction of said hosts is to-

1. bitch about you for at least 20 minutes
2. start drinking heavily
3. bitch whilst drinking heavily

A new record

When asked to help clean up after dinner tonight, it only took my sister-in-law 3 minutes to develop a raging headache.

It typically takes 5.

She miraculously recovered from said "headache" upon reaching the couch.