Monday, February 12, 2007

Let me let you in on a secret

from a floral designer to a customer, during this happiest of times.

1. The floral warehouses raise their prices during peak demand times, and most shops do not grow their own product. My boss (also my mother, natch) is not trying to take your arms and legs from you. She runs a business, see. Making money is good. Repeat customers? Also good good, double good. We want you back. Just like the Jackson 5.

2. Don't bitch about delivery charges. Just don't. You sound like an asshole. For God's sake, take a look at Exxon's profits from the last quarter. Not to mention that the shop owner has to maintain a vehicle (gas, insurance, labor). Again, a business is for making money.

3. We're happy to help you, and yes, we do know what we're doing. Being a floral designer is a skill. Would I want to change the oil in my auto guy's car? Hell to the N-O. Would I want my mechanic to create my Valentine's bouquet? Again, hell to the N-O.

4. While it is rewarding to be creative and express yourself, I don't think I'm overstepping to say that most floral designers would be glad to hear the last of the following statements:

"Oh, It must be so fun/relaxing to work with flowers"

Or my own personal favorite-

"Valentine's Day is so commercial/was created by florists/is a waste of money."

For the first, yes, it is fun to create arrangements that make people happy/feel comforted, etc... But don't kid yourself, it's hard fucking work.

First of all, you need to have inventory on hand. Flowers? Perishable. So it's a total crapshoot on whether you need the product, getting the product (providing that your warehouses have said items on hand at the moment), and hoping that you use the product before it fucking DIES and becomes moldy.

And I'm not even mentioning the constant maintenance that the flowers require.

And for the second, Spanky, let me get my bitch boots on. You see, most florists know, WE FUCKING KNOW that Valentine's Day is commercial. We thank Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Shiva, David Beckham, the deity, or non-deity of your choice, that it is commercial. Why?

Because most shop owners aren't in this for shits and giggles. Money is good. And many times in the fiscal year of a florist, the cash ain't coming in. (Summer months tend to be particularly dire. Exception- weddings). If we don't have money, there is no product. None. We need it. You have it. Such is the symbiotic relationship between producer and consumer. If you don't like it, take it up with a fucking economist. See if you can hug it out.

This is because of many reasons, but let me put this to you. You have a cooler full of perishable product, and you know, you fucking know, deep in your heart just like you know that funerals come in threes and that Lisianthus are a bit dodgy, that 2 times in a year, you'll be able to get rid of it. The flowers.

Maybe you'll be able to pay off your overdue bill at the floral warehouse. Maybe you'll be able to pay off the credit card that you used to pay off your other credit card. So that the next time someone comes in expecting a masterpiece for $15, it won't burn as badly. So that my mom won’t wake up with panic attacks regarding financials.

Those days? Valentine's Day and Mother's Day.

We depend on those days to get us through the shitty ass days of July and August.

And you want us to, because if we don’t, what the hell are you going to do the next time you forget your bosses birthday, and need to suck up, real quick? You accidentally say "Yeah, a little" to your girlfriend's query, "Does my ass look big in these pants?" Your best friend finds out something that happened, and words won't cut it? Your grandma calls you, sounding depressed? The next time your wife hears you say the wrong name at an inopportune moment?

You need flowers, arranged by a professional. We can help. And we're glad to. *Smiles*


Anonymous said...

Interesting post, Phoebe

Cygirl said...

Yikes, looking at that now, I'm clearly reading too much Bourdain lately. Bit witchier than I am usually.

charley said...

good post. actually i was wondering why the price went up.

well, not really.

and i've seen enuf of the backend of the business to know you aren't lying about the work.