Poor, poor, pitiful me

My life sucks right now. I was supposed to go to the Twin Cities this weekend to A- celebrate Cyclone-style the High (both literally and figuratively) Holidays (Halloween) with Stace and Brookie, and B- Avoid my right-winger relatives that will be arriving to help clean my grandpa's timber for the upcoming deer season (quit snickering).

But, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- things just had to go wrong. Wednesday night, I was minding my own business, getting ready to go down to the basement to email various amusing (Robbie Williams nekkid) things to my friends when I was met with tragedy. My damned cat, Holden- let me tell you, I am regretting that particular name choice, ran in front of me and nearly knocked me down the stairs.

Whilst I was keeping myself from going ass over teakettle down the friggin' stairs, I pulled my gluteal area. Yep, that would be my arse. This resulted in my limping about like I'm 90, and two appointments with the chiropractor. Not to mention, it's the right cheek, which causes me to put my weight on my left ankle, the bum one, that resulted from my girl's bachelorette party in, oh God, I don't remember. (The famed sliding-down-the-big-Lego-at-the- Mall of America- incident).

And also my current situation, sitting in front of the computer, watching "Little Britain," with an ice pack on my can, drinking a lovely tequila- based drink to kill the pain. As pain-relieving gels go, let me tell you, BioFreeze is a vast improvement on IcyHot. I can't even tell you how much it pains me to say that. Again, with the literal and figurative.

So, not only am I still living and working for my parents, 30 and a singleton, now, my butt is gimpy. Instead of drinking heavily in inappropriate costumes with my girls, I now get to hear about how Hillary Clinton is conspiring to implement the New World Order, and how John Kerry actually shot himself in Vietnam. Instead of busting out my Catholic schoolgirl costume for the umpteenth time, I get to hear about how rich, white, private-school educated people are so incredibly oppressed in America. With an ice-pack on my ass. I rule! So kidding there. Jeez, I hope Dad still has some Vicodin left in the medicine cabinet. Kidding. Okay, not so much.

I need cheering.